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Hell on Wheels in a Black Dress
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[20 Jan 2009|02:00pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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I havent written in here in so so so long. memories :)
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[14 Oct 2005|10:28pm] |
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i wish i was comfortably numb
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[04 Oct 2005|04:04am] |
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music |
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Pepper - Too Much |
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<td align="center">You have a sexual hidden talent
You have a sexual hidden talent. You might not look it but you are a dynamo in bed. Most of your lovers think that it is from years of practice, but really, you were just born with it.
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>
Greetings
I am coming from the front desk of my dorm where i work from 2-7am every Monday. Horrible you say? probably the funnest job ive ever had , i reply :)
What is going on in my life.. hmm. Im not one to go in to detail, because as I am reminded from my floor, living in a dorm is like living in a mini highschool. So I would love to speak as vaguely as possible, for my own safety and yours :) Im in a funny mood right now, a really happy weird quarky mood. I am getting excited about something that might work out, it might really work. Wow. We'll see, try not to get tooooo excited, but yea all I have to say is live your life. If you want to do something (within reason) do it. I am young and could die tommorrow and these past 6 months I have been living my days to the fullest. Its amazing.
I can't see myself at SDSU for four years. I will complete this year of course, but I am applying to UH in the fall, and perhaps a few other places also. I could hate it, or I could not go and regret never trying and pushing myself. Im in love with the fact that I am alive and breathing, hurting, loving. It sounds so sappy but honestly these next few years of my life are going to be the best. Yes because I will be learning and obtaining information that will contribute to what I do in my life, but also because I have this fire to see places. I want to wake up and decide to visit Australlia, I want to go and see all the places you see on TV. I have a huge thirst for traveling... and it is starting to be quenched
I miss my family and my friends. I do not miss the San Fernando Valley because I kind of feel like I am going to school there still. I miss certain things about the Valley, but nothing drastic. I miss my two best friends , seeing them no even 8 hours apart in a weekend, I miss my dog who I love like a child. I miss my parents , I miss coming home and laying on my moms bed while she tries to sleep, and we end up talking all night about the shit in our lives. She is honestly my best friend. I miss my step dad, the way he cares about me and shows it in the littlest ways. I miss my brother in such a way that words cannot describe. It is almost unbearable to know he is growing up so far and fast from me. I love him, and would do anything I could for him.
I miss old friends, I miss memories. I miss my middle school and the weird ass shit that went down there. I miss laying in bed alllll day with a significant other, I miss waking up in my room on a sunday and just enjoying the way the sun looks on my walls. I miss driving home from starbucks half asleep and letting my body drive the other half of me home, somehow i always ended up safe in my driveway. I miss you a lot. Yes you. Deep down in my pores and my bones I miss you so fucking much. I love you a lot.
This entry felt amazing. Thanks
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[24 Aug 2005|08:45pm] |
Rachel Vaisman #722 University Towers 5505 Montezuma Road San Diego CA 92115
My addy at college if you want to write me :)
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| SD |
[21 Aug 2005|01:23am] |
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So I am leaving this Saturday, the 27th for San Diego State , if anyone wants to come by or hang out before i go, I would love to see you
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| And it all slows down |
[05 Aug 2005|11:13pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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Runaway Train - Soul Asylum |
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Things are going to begin, end, and change for me in matter of 3 weeks starting the 9th of August.
I miss Mike , I don't know how to make him interested in my life, or what is going on with him. I feel like I have pathetically tried to reach out without being an inconvience, but to no avail I still feel distant.
Im going to Hawaii..again. Im going to do the most spontaneous thing I have ever done in my 18 years. Live. Im going because I want to , because it feels amazing. Its worth it, cause everything could be over by tommorrow right?
Allyson.I feel like I am losing you, and I don't know how to tell you without you getting mad
I am so excited to go to SDSU. I am in love with the possibilities, of meeting new people, new everything. I have been ready for a long time. But im scared shitless :)
A few nights ago I cried myself to sleep thinking about the loss of my best friend to something I cannot control. Funny how anyone under 25 thinks they have all the time in the world, and that we are all so invincible. Its just not true.
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[01 Aug 2005|11:14pm] |
Today Mere left for Bard
I almost flooded her entire porch with tears, and instead only a few escaped
I love Mere for the amazing woman she is. I cannot thank her enough for all that she has given me. Mere is an ally that is there for me after many months, many words, many mistakes. She is a delicious intellectual goddess. I hope she turns Bard upside down, I hope she shares with only the deserving what an amazing fucking person she is. I act like she is never coming back, but its just hard to find someone like Mere, and even harder to let them go.
I love you so much Mere, goodluck.
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| :( |
[24 Jul 2005|02:31pm] |
I feel stupid.
Why do I allow a snowball to create an avalanche in my head?
I hate when I do this
Its not a matter or control, its a matter of not knowing
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| Get it all out |
[24 Jul 2005|01:49am] |
Some things I have been chewing on
Do I need a man to validate me? Now, if you know me at all, you may think that is a really simple answer. But it was brought up that in the society we live in, all women one way or the other need to be validated by men. It isn't a bad thing because it is out of our control, and I truly believe that in some ways. I am not saying that I can't be alone by choice and enjoy being on my own. I am talking about why as young girls and even now our diaries are dominated by subjects of boys, why some of us will simply not go out of the house if we dont look "decent" , for who? This applies to me too, I love wearing long skirts because it feels so good, but tightjeans? Short tops? V necks? See this is where I thought to myself "because i feel sexy in them , because I dress that way for me" Why do I need to dress a certain way to feel sexy? beautfiul? feminine? Why don't I walk in to a club in sweats and my SDSU sweater? Chew on it with me.
I want to learn more about jealousy. I want to learn why it is in me, why I have it. I dont like it, I dont enjoy it. I don't like the way it makes me over analyze the already analytical mind I have. I mean, if you want to be with other people, then you should. Physically speaking, genetically, biologically (and a whole lot of data backs me up here) humans are not meant to be monogamous. It is a artificial societal construct so engrained so deep within us, that we cannot tell it apart from our natural wants and needs. Oh wait, don't bite my head off just yet, I am not saying I don't want a boyfriend at times, I dont think about marrage or a husband and my possible 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, but does anyone ever sit down and think .. If you are with someone, and they would like to be with someone else as well as you, why fight? Why fight to make that one completely yours if they need other things you cannot provide? Or what if you change, or they change, and each other is no longer enough? When did become a horrible concept , to love more than one person at one time? I have needs , wants, to be with one person, and other times more than one person.. yet the world around me is unaccepting of my uncertainty. Chew on it.
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| Settled |
[26 Jun 2005|10:44pm] |
This past week has been crazy because so many things happened yet i feel like i am standing still.
i feel hypocritical if i don't settle a few things before I go away, because I hate people that play games, so here we go. It doesnt matter if these people ever read this, what matters is it is out there, it is not pent up inside of me, what matters is i am dealing with it the best way i know how.
To Jose ~ I have forgiven you for the act, but not the effect. I know you didn't ask for my forgiveness, but you didnt have to,because her pain is all of our pain, when she cried it rained, then poured all over our world, when she hurt we were all frozen in the after shock. But because we love her, and because she is fucking strong beautiful woman, i forgive you, because i realize you cannot hurt her anymore. Make peace and let the scars fade.
To Aaron ~ I am tired of crying, and I am tired of hurting so deep because you are able to care about every other female in your life except for me. I don't understand it, and ive been here this whole time, waiting, not pushing you to talk to me, and you left me here, vulnerable, and alone. So I am tired of hurting, and I have given up. You get the easy way out, and I get the memory of your words.
To Mike ~ I will always love you, and that love will always change in to beautiful forms because of our relationship and how we change along the road. Thank you for loving me back, thank you for accepting me for me, for going through hell and back with me, and then be willing to do it all over again. That is friendship
To Allyson ~ Miles are nothing. Distance is a joke. The bond between us is unbreakable, and I know you will continue to make waves in my life, and I cannot wait to swim .
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[20 Jun 2005|10:45am] |
and then it happened
the earth stopped spinning on its axis
birds froze in the air
and i completed four years of CORE at 9:55 am today
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
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| Humph |
[19 Jun 2005|12:25pm] |
So many things are happening
mike comes down tuesday
my father comes in thursday, and I graduate
i realized something today...that even though were not together ..
i always think the she in your song lyrics are me
i dont think that will ever change
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[06 Jun 2005|03:40pm] |
To: The one who this concerns
Please don't let my pessimistic thoughts prove me right
Were you really all talk that night?
It is so easy for you to put together feeling words of hope and challenge from a computer screen isn't it?
I'm sick of waiting on the other side of your wall
Thats why you will find this note
Instead of me
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[04 Jun 2005|10:17am] |
I GOT COLDPLAY TICKETS
I GOT COLDPLAY TICKETS
I GOT COLDPLAY TICKETS
THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO START OF THE DAY OF PROM
I GOT COLDPLAY TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Standing Tall |
[02 Jun 2005|08:58pm] |
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music |
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John Mayer - In Between Dreams |
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I am really glad that I didnt let my god like standards affect me and waited for the right time to mention things I felt really strongly about
When I revealed my true feelings about issues around the word "bitch" "gay" etc, without sounding condecending or full of myself, I really felt like he understood. That led to the conversation that I help lead a women's community ... and again I felt no akward moments of a roll of the eyes, I felt geniune interest and curiousity. I was being myself for once, the walls were down, and I didn't get hurt.
Baby steps.
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| Humph |
[30 May 2005|10:35pm] |
I think today was a roller coaster of emotions... wait rewind.. one intense hour @ work was an emotional rollercoaster. It was triggered by one of my co-workers whom I am not fond of at all..she commented on the fact that I had given my number to one of her friends ... and that it was cute but he is so clingy etc... and then later proceeded to tell me she knew the "real" reason I transfered from my old store to the one im currently at ( because of a man who was stalking me )... and I have no idea why.. but her comments hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt so fucking frusturated and upset and I relly got wrapped up in my own head about what am I doing with the people in my life that I choose to be intimate with...
Speaking bluntly... I think I have a pretty good idea of myself, who I am , what I want, but I am never afraid to learn more, or dig deeper. So I really started to be real with myself, what do you want, do you want a companion, a lover, a fuck buddy, is there even a difference?!? It is so funny, because my co-workers comments made me feel like I am a bad person by dating people, by taking risks and yes giving my number out, asking for a number, starting up conversation. Its funny, because after 2 1/2 years with one person.. you are programed to think and feel about dating as a negative, because that would mean you woudnt be with your significant other. I am happy with the choices Im making... I am happy that I choose to date people, and not others, and I don't take up every offer that falls in to my lap. I am happy I am being smart, I am exploring, but that Im still willing to challenge myself.
What do I need... I need to stop holding people to this bullshit god like standards... when something doesn't fit my bill... it is one thing to not give a person a chance b/c of it, or to dwell on it, it is another thing to talk about it when the time is right. I need to feel comfortable, and I need to feel alive. I need to be real, and I need the family and friends in my life to keep me going like always. I need to understand that these 18 years are only the beginning and with all the wisdom I have gained there are a million more stories to be written and a billion more mistakes to make.
I guess im throwing up on you like this because someone took me down today, tried to make me feel bad because of their own insecurites and psuedo-dominate bullshit ( and she was a woman which really got to me), tried to make me feel like there was something wrong with me.. being me... and I didn't dwell on it, I didn't let it ruin me, sit in me , splinter and puss in me.. I purged it out and I feel damn good.
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| ................... |
[15 May 2005|09:44pm] |
I feel fucked up
I feel like the few people who I need to be there for me... aren't. I know everyone gets so wrapped up in life... I can relate... but sometimes I really need you to be there.
On another note...
If after being in a relationship.... you consider what you liked and didn't like...then look for those qualities in the future... and you keep repeating this pattern... who is to say you don't end up alone but completely convinced of what you want?
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| Damn |
[09 May 2005|09:34pm] |
If you have lived in LA / The Valley your whole life and you know all the in's and out's of it
Go see the movie Crash
It's so truthful its fucked up
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